This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
