I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
