He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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