You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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