im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
whose parrot is this?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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