You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
