nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I need help removing her.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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