I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
