Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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