I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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