Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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