Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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