I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Let's paint friendship bongs
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
