his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize