Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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