Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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