I CAN MOONWALK!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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