ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
