so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
