i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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