I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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