I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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