I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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