I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
