I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
