I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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