Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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