I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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