I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
