Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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