Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
