If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
