I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I wish there were birth control emojis
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
