Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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