a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
