I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
