Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
