i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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