I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
