you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
