Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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