dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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