i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
