I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
