When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
