Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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