I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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