No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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