If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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