Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
