Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
