so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
