After last night, I could never be a politician.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
